So…

…I ‘m the next woman in britain to be hanged….or man….it doesn’t matter….i was just covering all bases in case i’ve switched gender.

anyway, i’m a given a last request by the prison authorities. so i ask if i can sing a song. they of course grant it.

SINGS: “Don’t let me down !!!! Don’t let me down !!”

Ha ha….i feel as vulnerable as a puppy in a paper bag. talk about paper bags i just learnt an interesting fact, well not so much interesting as relevant. a banana when placed in a bag with an unripe avocadot will help the latter ripen. Ooooh it is the telepath of the fruit world. though of course the apple would have something to say about this,,,,,”I’m the king of the fruit…who so ever defieth my superior status will perish !”

If you haven’t gathered already i have some avocados that need ripening !

yes very gooey…oh i had a strange day yesterday…it was as if my mind proclaimed a holiday. i felt a little decayed. a little disfunctional. I slept, i lay on the sofa.

AT SUCH TIMES I get these thoughts of not so much my inferiority when it comes to myself but the superiority of others. regrets coming back and forth in my mind; they’re are nothing new and certainly not confined to me alone. I don’t think i’ve had a bad life, just a weird one. I’m like Papillon in the film – the McQueen version – where he’s stood in the dock of a dream like court of law, and he’s accused of wasting his life…to which Papillon answers ‘guilty!’ ….

I mean what has my life so far been ? A winding road ? a stationary post ? I ‘ve had things happen to me, but have i ever really reached out from myself to get something i wanted, or did something i really wanted to do? yes and no. I think i wanted life to be an adventure…..

Maybe that’s why one of my favourite books is Papillon….a hell of a read to a teenage Noel.

But how can be sure about one’s life, and if one has lived it properly? it ‘s like we’re satisfying so many different rules when we live on this world, not just ones set down by law and governments, but moral ones, religious ones, rules we have embedded in our unconsious. expectations are set up it seems from these rules, early on. if we’re strong we can manage the expectations and either work with or against them. but i reckon i don’t know what i was expected to do…by these inner forces.

I’VE FUMBLED ALONG.

meanwhile am consumed by jealousy, frustation, boils of puss….

I have been cooking a little bit, to ease the boredom.

Recently made a boiled cake. it was boiled so much it actually resembled a boil, a big boil in a cake dish. and so, to heighten the effect, i added icing, white creamy icing around the top of the cake, icing that looked a lot like ointment, ointment on top of a big boil HAAA!…now all i needed, as a piece de resistance, was the cherry on top….

which i duly added, well i say that. i only had raisins, so it was a raisin i placed on top

…even though it had a funny shape looking just like a fly…that’s the trouble with raisins..

but as it turned out this was a good thing as well as bad

i mean, while the cherry on the cake was the fly in the ointment – and there’s no denying that…the fly in the ointment was the cherry on top.

does that give me a buzz?

Depends how i listen to it.