…I ‘m the next woman in britain to be hanged….or man….it doesn’t matter….i was just covering all bases in case i’ve switched gender.

anyway, i’m a given a last request by the prison authorities. so i ask if i can sing a song. they of course grant it.

SINGS: “Don’t let me down !!!! Don’t let me down !!”

Ha ha….i feel as vulnerable as a puppy in a paper bag. talk about paper bags i just learnt an interesting fact, well not so much interesting as relevant. a banana when placed in a bag with an unripe avocadot will help the latter ripen. Ooooh it is the telepath of the fruit world. though of course the apple would have something to say about this,,,,,”I’m the king of the fruit…who so ever defieth my superior status will perish !”

If you haven’t gathered already i have some avocados that need ripening !

yes very gooey…oh i had a strange day yesterday…it was as if my mind proclaimed a holiday. i felt a little decayed. a little disfunctional. I slept, i lay on the sofa.

AT SUCH TIMES I get these thoughts of not so much my inferiority when it comes to myself but the superiority of others. regrets coming back and forth in my mind; they’re are nothing new and certainly not confined to me alone. I don’t think i’ve had a bad life, just a weird one. I’m like Papillon in the film – the McQueen version – where he’s stood in the dock of a dream like court of law, and he’s accused of wasting his life…to which Papillon answers ‘guilty!’ ….

I mean what has my life so far been ? A winding road ? a stationary post ? I ‘ve had things happen to me, but have i ever really reached out from myself to get something i wanted, or did something i really wanted to do? yes and no. I think i wanted life to be an adventure…..

Maybe that’s why one of my favourite books is Papillon….a hell of a read to a teenage Noel.

But how can be sure about one’s life, and if one has lived it properly? it ‘s like we’re satisfying so many different rules when we live on this world, not just ones set down by law and governments, but moral ones, religious ones, rules we have embedded in our unconsious. expectations are set up it seems from these rules, early on. if we’re strong we can manage the expectations and either work with or against them. but i reckon i don’t know what i was expected to do…by these inner forces.


meanwhile am consumed by jealousy, frustation, boils of puss….

I have been cooking a little bit, to ease the boredom.

Recently made a boiled cake. it was boiled so much it actually resembled a boil, a big boil in a cake dish. and so, to heighten the effect, i added icing, white creamy icing around the top of the cake, icing that looked a lot like ointment, ointment on top of a big boil HAAA!…now all i needed, as a piece de resistance, was the cherry on top….

which i duly added, well i say that. i only had raisins, so it was a raisin i placed on top

…even though it had a funny shape looking just like a fly…that’s the trouble with raisins..

but as it turned out this was a good thing as well as bad

i mean, while the cherry on the cake was the fly in the ointment – and there’s no denying that…the fly in the ointment was the cherry on top.

does that give me a buzz?

Depends how i listen to it.

morose toenails

i just recieved a facebook request from a woman, who was in my year at school…

She used to live in Cwmllynfell, but now lives in Bristol.

Funnily enough i was trying to find her a while ago but with no luck. when i was in school i really fancied her like hell, thought she had really sexy legs and body – before anyone complains about my perverse sexist attitude bear in my mind i am talking about a 15 year old me….but in school i never had luck with girls. I was always the class clown, which would have been ok, because it did get the girls laughing, but would have been a lot more useful had i then capitalised on it in order to get me a girlfriend….but i never did. She had been minded to contact me when she happened to see me getting interviewed on a TV programme that Elis James did on about welsh comedians…in her message one thing she says is : ‘I’m glad you made it’.

That made me laugh….and i’m sat here thinking ‘made it?’ Life it’s like a sad play. I’m sat hear with no work because of Covid, and with not much confidence in the future…will comedy ever come back? and if it does will i have to prove myself once again to those promoters out there?? Probably…

Anyway, i glanced at this ‘old friend’s’ facebook page, and the photos there. I saw family albums, images of her with her husband, pictures of her teenage kids, a boy and a girl, one big a happy family image…a couple of shots were taken inside (and outside) a cruise ships….Yuurgh ! …it all comes back to , my struggle to make those floating audiences laugh, the horrible ents officer and how he spoke to me; the banal tedious lifestyles of a society who sees a cruise ship as a grand tour of the senses.

No, please.

I know i make sweeping generalisations and with them presume to know what these people are like. But then they fuckin hurt me, and so did she when i was in school…she didin’t know she hurt me.

Ond really annoying thing about people you used to know contacting you out the blue on facebook is them saying things like ‘ you haven’t changed’…Of course i have changed. I was a boy when you knew me now i’m a grown adult, or a groaning adult, depending on your POV. And i know this woman thinks i’m ‘funny, and tells me so…I reply: ‘Funny is it? No , I’m a serious person….thanks for getting in touch.’

A couple of films

I watched As Good As It Gets .

I remember when it came out, in the late 90s, my avoiding going to see it, thinking it would be crap, just another Hollywoood formula film. After all, what Hollywood calls comedy is often a Frankenstein mish mash of cliches sewn together. pity me…

But anyway, i watched it and was very surprised. It had me laughing right from the get go, not that it’s all funny. The Jack Nicholson character is an unexpected portrait of a man with OCD. the situations set up are also unexpected, and perhaps becasue of the way they are handled they have a certain realsim that draws you in. I’m talking especially of the scenes in the restaurant where Nicholson goes for lunch every day. That’s where he meets and gets to know the Helen Hunt character. Not that we ever got to see the first meeting between them, the film starts in the middle of people’s lives, in the middle of ongoing sitauations. The dog needs a special mention, and if they ever give an oscar to a canine this one deserved it ! (apparently Rin Tin Tin did in fact win the first Oscar but the academy chickened out from giving it to the poor cur).

Helen Hunt was often talked about as a special actor with a gift for comedy. I never really gave ger a chance, perhaps because i’d seen her in Twister in ’96, and thought that movie a pile of shit ! but then i saw a recent horror film with her in it, I See You it’s called, and i loved it, and finally saw how good she can be. She is excellent in AGAIG. But i think ultimately it’s the script that makes that film as good as it gets.

But then, they say it’s always the script that makes or breaks a film.

I caught the film Reds on Talking Pictures channel. Never saw it before. The film has an unique surprise element, which places it somewhere near documentary drama genre: there are real people doing talking heads, throughout, and interspersed at intervals. These are elderly people – referred to as ‘witnesses’ in the credits – who were friends or knew the two protagonsists of the story back in the day: John Reid and Louise Bryant.

These latter two were real historical people who, though multi talented, focussed on journalistic writing. They ended up in Russia, in the years immediately following the revolution. Not only were they writing about the blossoming communist movement but became communists themselves. They believed fervently in free love, feminism, all that jazz.

Warren Beatty produced, directed, and co wrote this ‘epic’. Interestingly he co wrote it with british playwright Trevor Griffiths – he who wote the play Comedians – and on Google Griffiths is quoted as saying he probably wrote 45 % of the film. For some reason Griffiths left the project. And I felt, on watching Reds, that i could see the lines where one script writer took over from the other; the first half of the film is great, beautiful to look at, the pacing is elegant, and there’s humour and emotion oozing out of the lines and performance. nicholson pops here again, and is scary and striking as Eugene O’Neil – more about him later.

But somewhere in the second half something strange happens to the style of the film. It starts being more focussed on the Beatty character with Diane Keaton – who plays his wife Louise – becoming a spectator on the sidelines and in so doing her character loses the feminism and freedom, that spark that she has worked for throughout the film up til now. – yes that could have been the point that john Reid himself was becoming too big for his boots, but why portray this with long shots of Beatty doing speeches at rallies? I wanted to see more close up! I want less mindless shouting amidst crowds and more of the close up dialogue of the first half – But the film still held me, which is saying something for a three and a half hour movie. But the ways in which it held me changed and wavered…it seems to switch into a genre film for periods rather than retain the realism of the first half e.g at one point there is a bizarre scene with John Reid cooking in his small kitchen while Louise is talking to him through the door from the dining room: while their conversation meanders Reid messes everything up, with one food disaster after another flaring up, a fire on the hobs, smoke billowing from the over, one pan brimming over with hot oil, another pan burning so hot til it’s bottom drops out. Amazingly this scene is all shot in one take, with Beatty deftly handling all the pans amidst the flames and smoke. Yes there is still a reality to this, in that it could happen , but nevertheless one is reminded of Beatty’s whacky collaboration with Hal Ashby ,Shampoo, and in fact it’s a scene that would not be out of place in any screw ball comedy.

Uneven film Reds….brilliant at times, educational, poetic, dramatic, yet also bombastic and monotonous, with – especially towards the end – the characters repeating communist dogma back and forth to each other, but seemingly not learning anything from their words. It would be wrong to say it’s an intellectual film, but it contains a lot of intellectual ideas and dialogue, yet at the same time wanders into soap opera. Certainly the characters are sincere as hell, and their words reflect that; e.g there’s a scene where Louise has to face a commitee, is interrogated about her and her husband’s ‘seditious’ political opinons. In this scene Keaton is great as the lone woman, facing an all male world, who deflects her interlocutors with argument and rhetoric the like of which has not been seen since God talked to Moses….but then, wait, why talk so fast ? I mean, what she says ends up so quick and dense i’m lost as a viewer as to what her actual beliefs are.

Maybe Reds is an accurate dramatic portrait of how ten days shook the world, or as good a one as anyone has ever commited to film. It shows us that even then, in 1917, the US was paranoid when it came to socialism. And indeed all the world’s super powers were suspicious of the emergent USSR, trying their very best to kill it before it had a chance to grow. The film does attempt to stick to the historical facts…which utimately leads to the sad and poignant ending.

Why this paranoia? and how long can it go on for in a so called civilised, first world country? I mean, if you believe that what goes around comes around, eventual revolution in a country which has taken capitalism as far to the right as you can go is… inevitability ? Just let it happen