heritage centre Pontaradwe, a Q and A with myself, collins, and bev and anthony. lo and behold who turned up but people from my prehistoric past. Anita jones and her sister Marion. also gaenor davies and rhian… it was a bizarre couple of hours. but was quite good, almost cathartic. but john collins is not a fan of improvising..

brilliant gig on friday – unlike a welsh language in swansea valley this one sold out in a matter of days. about 80 punters packed the room. the show was great, and i was given the final slot. I did an hour. Most of it went down a treat. Sion Dom was on sound and didn’t seem too pleased that i did so long. But apart from that weird moment me and eleri had a nice time staying the night in his cottage in llanllwni, and having brekfast of bacwn and eggs etc…eleri was a big fan of Jac, Sion’s dog – see welsh language section for more…

i go on the more i see there is no way out….my mind is distracted, my sense of self tainted by what’s been done to me. I can’t understand why i can’t get more gigs, i mean , i am not a bad comedy performer. i had no idea life would turn out like this. i don’t understand why i am the way i am, and i really wish i could do something to change me. Next year i will try. get my arse in gear, do something to help myself mentally.

I did a q and a on saturday, in pontardawe. it was a tiny audience, but i knew everyone in it. people from my early life showed up, and it made me think how comedy could go if you started talking about early memories. I definitely got something out of it. But…..this year has been another weird year. the last 12 months my anus horiblus, to quote the queen.

But then, if i had to pack comedy in, so what ? what am i scared of? having to get a job? Yes, in a way. I wish i could write something….a short story about werwolves, a novel, an autobiography…but who’s autobiography should i write??

sometimes i just long for people to think me important. i could have said ‘people in the industry’, but i’ve never been able to apply the word ‘industry’ seriously to comedy. Maybe that’s partly the problem. it;s like i operate on higher plane, but only in my own mind.

did a 70th birthday near aberaeron on saturday, which went very well. over all. the man who’s birthday it was didn’t look particulary impressed. but the crowd, all his friends, were appreciative. There were 3 or 4 young kids present, and also lots of welsh speakers. i joked that i’d been given permission to swear, even with the kids present, but not to speak welsh…god forbid they should grow up speaking the language!

it’s safe to go anywhere, say anything….but we are living in a world of CCTV, and amateur fascists. so is it safe ? I wrote a thing on FB< about my teeth being punched in , which really did happen. By some weird coincidence it happened on the same night i was publicly shamed by a certain former porn actress, who is now a ‘comedian’. So the message was from my POV a duality…a thank you to the people who helped me through it. still, my appetite for comedy has diminished, it’s hard enough getting gigs off bookers without all the pile on effect of witch hunters.

Bitterness is a strange emotion, if it is emotion.

I had people who’ve never even met me saying the nastiest things. one bloke with a double barrelled name from gloucester….you can’t mess with people with double barrelled names, they just love to shoot you down.

another busy day of noting down what i need to get around to doing. I have a cruise again next week – gulp! what will i do wrong this time ? how will i offend them on this occasion? I suppose i need to do some prep for that, so i have ordered a new suit, a white one – it might change my status on stage. It’s been a fairly quiet last few weeks, but starting to pick up now. picked up a welsh gig in Crymych for early october. which is great. Cymru am byth. Watched a few films. had diffrent conversations with diffrent people…but the elements of those are all mixed up in my head, blurred memories. it was an interesting week last week – eleri was away on a working holiday in Lyons, france. and i was left to my own devices – and i have lots of them all battery operated. I did a coupel of risky things. but i can’t say much more here about them…i sometimes make the mistake of treating this blog like a personal journal, but of course it’s not. Journals and diaries are generally only revealed to the public after the writer’s deceased. whereas this is published live. Lights camera Words!

But basically i was in eleri’s car, a brand new hybrid Renault Clio, and i did a three point turn, suddenly the car cuts out, all electrics, and the motor…gone! So i am bricking myself, but luckily, as it is a new car, i manage to contact renault dealer and they send an RAC man who eventually gets me out of the mess i’m in. in fact it all worked out well as i was given a courtesy car for 5 days. took it to the gig in Thirsk on friday. that was alright, like a big yorkshire social club. I went to see j on the sunday, and stayed over, then went for brekfast in the new place in llansamlet – Rhian’s cafe. they did not do brown toast, because, they said, they only get builders eating there and so it was never asked for.

I also walked into a random stranger’s house by mistake on saturday night – fucksake!

I saw billy on friday, he’s a lot better now he’s been to hospital and had the metal rods that were in his leg removed.

Watched No Escape, a prison adventure film with Ray Liotta…a lotta lotta stunts – a little reminiscent of Papillion in places. A pretty good film, but apparently flopped on release.

Hello Emma !!!