you wake up and you feel anxious and a bit sad but you’ve no idea why. sure the usual concerns are floating around your mind: career, money, why aren’t my so called friends returning my messages on facebook…oh yes it sounds silly. or does it? i can’t work out how to present to the world my feelings, or if i’m meant to present feeling to the world. Better to repress repress. for i fear i have a child in me, when i’m meant to be an adult. I feel lonely. and yet when i see friends i get bored easily by the things they say. what am i? a narcissist? If so then it’s not a conscious thing. I feel my mental anguish could be down to chemicals. i mean inertia, i mean loathing. Loathe myself? loathe the person i’m with, my situation? possibly. I’ve often found myself in a kind of rut, immobile, not doing anything, except thinking. oh yes, if thinking could earn me money i’d be a billionaire many times over. I can’t live in the real world, or if i ever do i can’t tell, i can’t feel it.

why do i bother? why is it i don’t want to commit suicide? i mean, my comedy dream has ended. I rode it, and had a good few years. but it turned into a nightmare. People assume it’s all better now. it’s gone away. yet i have shame in me still. i cannot avoid thinking about what some people think of me , wrongly. That’s my problem, perhaps always has been..self conscious. except when i’m on stage doing comedy.

so i’m one of those types who loves hearing about others dying young, of careers ending tragically, of people being caught in a scandal. These thing help me feel better. but i see it’s a shallow entertainment. To work, to get ahead, has always been close to impossible for me. And that’s not a whinge, just an observation.