i go on the more i see there is no way out….my mind is distracted, my sense of self tainted by what’s been done to me. I can’t understand why i can’t get more gigs, i mean , i am not a bad comedy performer. i had no idea life would turn out like this. i don’t understand why i am the way i am, and i really wish i could do something to change me. Next year i will try. get my arse in gear, do something to help myself mentally.

I did a q and a on saturday, in pontardawe. it was a tiny audience, but i knew everyone in it. people from my early life showed up, and it made me think how comedy could go if you started talking about early memories. I definitely got something out of it. But…..this year has been another weird year. the last 12 months my anus horiblus, to quote the queen.

But then, if i had to pack comedy in, so what ? what am i scared of? having to get a job? Yes, in a way. I wish i could write something….a short story about werwolves, a novel, an autobiography…but who’s autobiography should i write??

sometimes i just long for people to think me important. i could have said ‘people in the industry’, but i’ve never been able to apply the word ‘industry’ seriously to comedy. Maybe that’s partly the problem. it;s like i operate on higher plane, but only in my own mind.

did a 70th birthday near aberaeron on saturday, which went very well. over all. the man who’s birthday it was didn’t look particulary impressed. but the crowd, all his friends, were appreciative. There were 3 or 4 young kids present, and also lots of welsh speakers. i joked that i’d been given permission to swear, even with the kids present, but not to speak welsh…god forbid they should grow up speaking the language!