My father was very good with his hands. He tamed them when they were wild and raised them in his own home training them to sleep, exercise and to be generally healthy. He taught them how to live and how to die, and one day he even showed them how to dance. Ah that i had been a hand.
so i ring up jeff, and he answers, says he’s got me on speaker phone, so nigel, glyn and julie, who are with him, are listening in to what i’m saying. which is odd as i don’t recall phoning up Nigel or glyn or julie….what the fuck?
Three pet hates in films – the first two are more for older films: i hate it when the man with one arm has an obviously fake prosthetic arm, which looks way to long. I hate it when they put on a record and it’s playing some moronic perceived version of swing/jazz/poop, usually instrumental. I really really hate it when the two main characters decide to have a love scene fully clothed in a bath.
Cliff now is showing signs (and i keep misreading things)
Cliff now is showing signs
being a little tentative tortoise
and joustly too.
For like pre-anal man,
standing on his riverbank, what does he see in them ??
Cheff now is showing signs of being a little bespectacled bastard
And jealously so…
What a foul current passport.
The time has come to yield to the sun
to wield the gun no more
To feel the warmth Cliff is showing
“–Mirror…Man!”
________________
There once was a sincere dissident
who dared call his country decadent
though he said it with candour
the goons called it slander
and thereupon made him a decedent
++++++++++++++++++++
Pick a lock any lock. that’s what the man said. luckily i am a locksmith so that was easy for me .In the cafe i talked. we talked, she was havin her dinner, i was just cruisin through. The bloke on the other side of the table kept going about the virtues of H Two Oh, he wouldn’t stop, well it’s a see though liquid and makes up 2 thirds of the ocean surface as well as two thirds of the human body…so eventually i says to the proprietor ‘ can we lose the pitcher of water’….we did so, then i asked for a jug of water, – he said well why should i give you water, i mean you didn’t like the pitch. it’s not that i liked it or disliked it it was inappropriate, the woman is trying to eat her food in peace. and anyway she asked before for a pitcher in the other sense…OH said the man behind the counter with a sigh, why didn’t you say?! Next thing a baseball player dude steps out and throws water at us.
I got a job as an apprentice locksmith. i had to shadow this bloke, he said his names was Waldo. He wanted to teach me how to pick a lock, so i met him in the park one afternoon, where he was going to demonstrate.
If certain countries, i mean any countries, use the Bible as justification for war or conquest or for any despicable act then the UN should send in inspectors. Yes special inspectors aught to be deployed who can sniff out the presence of God, or god like elements – after all this is what would be done in the event of potential nuclear threat. Weapons of mass destruction? ah we will send in Hans Blix, for ignorance is Blix. WMD? Weapons of Mystic Delusion.
Indeed some ruffians say that Wales, or Cymru, aught to be scoured by these trained inspectors. Not because we pose any military threat , but such is the suspicion of the ‘native’ language and the fact that it’s affectionately known as the language of Heaven. But i mean, if God really were on the side of the Cymraeg then he wouldn’t have let it decay would he? If he is a ‘he’, maybe a ‘she’ or an ‘it’.
in old welsh the word for green in welsh was ‘glas’. – pronounced like ‘farce’ gut with a ‘g’ instead of an ‘f’. now today glas it means blue….that’s why see.
I was going to put something different here, it was translated from my native language. a few paragraphs. maybe i’ll get round to it. i’ve got the pages ready, i mean already typed up. but – which native language are we talking about? i hear you say. (and i do as my hearing is so good). It starts with a W. the less said the better. Oh alright i’ll name it but then i move on. welsh. okay. i hate that word, i prefer the welsh name for welsh, Cymraeg. Cymraeg pronounced like ‘come – rag’…may as well refer to it as wankerchief. Welsh was apparently a generic title the anglo saxon put on the celts in western britain. The meaning is disputed, but it’s not a positive one, it could mean ‘ wild’ or could mean ‘foreigner’. Typical …dubbed a foreigner by the invaders. Incoming bastards. oh well what can you do? i don’t hear you ask. It’s iniquitous today, i mean ubiquitous. anyway, i had this whole chapter, an introduction to my life, a fictional, metaphorical story, full of magic realism and allegory, detailing my life from birth up to…well a few years. It explains how i was born with a condition: i was all blue. or was i? and, on top of that, i had a thing for words. Puns in my brain.
The blue thing was a mystery that no one, not even Doctor Barker, could explain. But one neighbour of ours, a clever man, a chapel goer, he said it could be that i was affected by the fact that i was confused between two languages. well they do say, even now, that a lot of people end up dislexic. welsh and english speaking see…no, but really, how can that possibly affect your physical body and its appearance? well, according to the rev Willy Morgan, there is a thing in linguistics, a theorem they call it (a theorem is like a theory but more people say ’em’ on hearing it) that objects and things are different in different languages. The sapir wharf theorem he called it. so, in welsh the word for blue is also the word for green, i mean the old word for green, that is glas. well, sounds like a load of rubbish, really, i mean why should my body be affected by what colour the grass should be ? anyway, if you look into the history of the sapir wharf theorem, which i have, you’ll find it to be now disproved, outmoded. and relegated to the back pages of goggle searches. On the other had it still pops up within scripts of sci fi films, and Star Trek episodes, yes, even now, after its debunking. that’s what sci fi writers do i suppose, what do they care if something is not true, if it sounds impressive, then use it. I mean that’s what i’ve done.
but the blue thing was a condition that came and went, i managed to hide it, in fact i could control it at will, consciously make myself pink when i wanted to.
Oh hello….i think i am back from my tarvels…or should i say travels. the less i say the better, but suffice to say i went to scandinavia. had a restful week, went walking and swimming in the cold water. a cold swim every day, it does the power of good. while the rest of the world seems to be burning up. Nobody agrees on anything anymore, on definitions – yes there are arguments about definitions at the BBC. the fuck??
spoke to henrik while i was out in sweden. my old comedy friend. he’s still got some health issues, but i think he’s overall good. wish i could pull my finger out, pull my socks up, pitch in. drink my vinegar…well maybe not drink my vinegar.
I got home and then yesterday i tried to get my da vinci editing software to work. and , after a few attempts. i managed to get it to unfreeze. at last ! it was like an unclogging. made me think that that’s what i need, i mean personally. an un clogging of my cache, of memories.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
these lectures were first delivered in the fall of 1975. the use of the quantoid in comedy.
what if you could predict the future and therefore know what to do to alter the future in your favour ?, and so you act accordingly. but then find, as in the monkey’s paw, that you lose something in the process. The Monkey’s paw is a classic tale, but flawed. – the flaw ? well the third wish that the family make using this old dirty totem does not come with a downside. and yet that is the essence of the story, that everything good thing gained must have a bad thing along with it. writing takes a lot of concentraion. spelling for a start…jesus, and then the constant back and forth on the keyboard. it’s a friggin nightmare, ah take me back to canada again.
why is it ? society offers up secret symbols, like the free masons do. for example, If you see a pair of trainers hanging on a telephone wire it means there’s drugs in the vicinity, available to buy. if you see pampas grass growing outside a house it means that swingers live there. if you see a wind chime hanging outside a house it means also that swingers live there…presumably they don’t cut to the chase and have a swing outside the house because that would indicate where the paedos live. If you see a woman vacuuming a car outside her house then that means that sex is on offer, well, a blow job at least….
If you walk past a car – but enough of this banter. i can’t go on talking crap all day. i got to do things. get up, play chess, do some writing. a film script…yes a good horror film or a comedy. yes a horror or a comedy.
thought you was going out to the shops…? sure thing.
Not many gigs so far this year (2025)…the one in Craig y Nos (advertised below) never happened…i think maybe it’s just too remote, and we did not sell enough tickets. I do have something coming on the 31st january in the valleys. more about that coming
june 2nd. Cu Mumbles, with Annette Fagon.
THIS FRIDAY MARCH 10th, in Cardiff, down on the dock of the bay..
i got a gig in newcastle 2moro 5th january 2024.
and on saturday 7th january i got a one man show in Redditch:
then, Jan 28th i will be playing Plymouth.
Then…
Tonight, June 2nd, about 7pm…i am doing a UK Pun off…via Zoom. here’s a link-
on May 27th at 7.30pm.
go to :
this is happening tomorrow, Sunday (or Punday) 21st Feb…
comedy shows? still none happening.
i mention a potential gig in Dublin – below – that was moved to the end of this February. but who knows?? and and anyway i’ll probably need a fuckin visa or some such crap, now that Brexit’s happened. In other words things are still up in the air, and any shows abroad are no doubt gonna get harder to get.
Oh yes, and that live album i mention…if you want a copy just email me via this website!
August 13th 2020.
I don’t have any gigs to report. They’ve been cancelled left, right and centre, OR, if you want to get political about it, left, right centre, and centre left.
I was booked to go to Laughter Lounge, Dublin this month, but that was pulled because of covid. The booker got back to me though and rebooked it for February 25th 2010, Ireland…always something to look forward to.
Soon i will have a live stand up album availbale on JokePit website…Llive @ Llanelli…
This St Davids Day, in Swansea, a show in Welsh…
last Tuesday i did a gig in Monmouth – a place i have rarely if ever visited, land of the Monnow river and Monnow-glot Welsh….While the gig was tiny and quite dark (literally)…the middle section was definitely worth seeing: a robot. Yes, a man came to do a talk about his homemade robot which had occupied him for months. The robot was present and correct.
MEANWHILE: this is happening end of this month: July 2019
Meanwhile….
This Sunday, 16th June I will be in Ilkley Moor. A legendary place i have only heard about in songs
May 31st – tomorrow – i got a gig near Carmarthen, it’s for charity – but is sold out. ooohh matron.
I had 35 punters in to see this show at my ‘local’, the Grand Theatre Swansea. That sound bad? it was a good show, especially when compared with Aberystwyth the month before…7 punters came to that !!! It’s great being a big name
Thursday April 18th, at Aberystwyth Arts Centre…this:
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- Saturday 22nd September 2018 at 9pm – Funhouse Comedy Club, Kirton-in-Lindsey The George
- 26th September – Clydach Community Hall:
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Also check Noel’s page on Ents24 for more information.
Noel James 
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